This post was written by Andi Porretta, author and illustrator of Ready or Not.
Writing about anxiety has never been easy for me. Even while journaling, for no eyes but my own, being able to find the right words to accurately encompass those big, scary, overwhelming emotions never quite hit the mark. Something was always holding me back whenever I tried to express them with just words alone. But when I started writing and drawing Ready or Not, my first graphic novel, I found myself depicting anxiety as I really felt it. And honestly? It was therapeutic.
When I began brainstorming Ready or Not four years ago, I knew that anxiety was going to play a big part of the story. The main character, Cassie Donato, struggles with it herself. As high school ends and “real life” is about to begin, she finds herself completely overwhelmed with fear for what’s next. Her best friends Marcy, Aaron, and Nico have it all figured out. But Cassie? She hasn’t got a clue what she wants to do with her life. So while she’s staying behind and trying to figure it out, Cassie awaits (and dreads) the day that her closest friends will scatter across the globe for college. As you flip through the pages of the book, you might notice her anxious tics and worried expressions increase as the summer days go by. Picking at her shirt sleeves, nail-biting, immediately checking her phone right after putting it down… These are some examples of her anxiety manifesting itself in her daily life, whether she was in a stressful situation or not.
But let’s be real: the period between adolescence and adulthood is nerve-wracking! Graduating high school comes with a lot of pressure and a lot more unknown than any of us would like. The question at this time of our lives, whether heading to college or not, is particularly daunting: Who do I want to be? As each of my characters embark on their own unique paths, they have to answer that question for themselves. That’s a pretty heavy thing to decide at any point in life, let alone at eighteen years old. Making the wrong choices, or the fear of it, can be pretty overwhelming. This is something Cassie grapples with in Ready or Not. In her eyes, her friends have a clear path forward, and Cassie has her friends. She doesn’t want to know what life is like without them. Growing up and growing apart is a very real fear for teens at this age, and Cassie. Is. Feeling. It. Being able to depict this concept in my graphic novel–of the people closest to you changing before your eyes–allows my characters to show up in a very real way.
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It’s well-known among Cassie’s friends and family that she struggles with anxiety. I didn’t want it to be a secret but something she exists with and works through. Though there are many different ways to cope with these intense emotions, Cassie primarily uses breathing exercises to help calm her body and mind when she is getting overwhelmed. She takes the time to count her breaths until she feels her heart rate relax. It was also important to me to show that Cassie has a visible, active support system. Her friends and family can see when she’s not herself, and they all help in their own ways to be there for her and help ease her worried thoughts throughout the book. Cassie may live with anxiety, but she is not defined by it. The girl has so much more to her than the things that stress her out!
Despite the shift in tone of these scenes, I had a whole lot of fun working on them! These were moments for me to break away from my standard style throughout the book. Varying hues of reds, oranges and pinks were used to signal the intensity of her emotions. I got to play with panel-count and frame-breaks to emphasize that even further. When the scene was calm, I kept it to three panels or less on a page. But when Cassie was a little more stressed out, the page filled up with small, quick bursts of panels–these were more busy and crowded than the rest.
The most enjoyable tool of all was the typography. When Cassie is over-thinking or getting heated, her inner thoughts and fears begin to cloud around her. Most of the book is typeset, so I chose to specifically hand-write these particular scenes. When she’s stuck in an anxious loop inside her head, the repetition of her worries increases and becomes less and less legible to the reader. Fuzzy, distorted, out of control, kind of scribbly. Hard to read? That’s fine–the thoughts aren’t always very clear to Cassie either.
All of this to say… anxiety can be a beast. Whether you are familiar with these emotions or not, we can all relate to growing up. And that’s what Ready or Not is really all about. It’s a time capsule of youth, with all its vivid color and boundless energy. Despite the looming, unclear future of “real life”, these kids are choosing to have FUN! When I look back to the start of this book and the first ideas I scribbled down, I wouldn’t have imagined so much joy to exist within the chaos. But it does. Even some of the most stressful times come with silver linings.
Get your copy of Ready or Not by Andi Porretta here.